How To Tell If You're in England or America at Christmas

It's happened to us all ... there you are, enjoying a lovely downtown Christmas festival when suddenly you can't recall if you are in England or America.  Not to worry!  This handy guide will walk you through the steps to discovering the side of the Atlantic on which your Christmas is occurring.

First, you will invariably find yourself in a crowd.  Take stock of your immediate surroundings.  Do you have room to breathe, or are complete strangers practically glued to your sides?  A good test is to try to shift your weight left or right.  Can you move?  Do you feel like you have even a small sliver of personal space?  Then you're in America!  

Sometimes you can glean some clues from the method of festivities.  For example, did Santa arrive by lobster boat?  This is a dead giveaway that you're celebrating somewhere in lobster country.

The man of the season can also offer useful clues.  Is he dressed in a green robe with a holly-wreath headdress?  Are people calling him "Father Christmas"?  Or is he wearing a red suit, with a big white beard and a floppy red hat?  If so, you're probably looking at Santa Claus!

Here's another way to tell whether you're in England or America: go to a demonstration of some sort.  Peppermint candy, say.  Look around you.  Is everyone politely reserving their excitement, so as not to make a scene even in the presence of master candy-makers?  England.  Outwardly expressing enthusiasm -- exclaiming "wow!", smiling, laughing, children clapping?  America!

At the candy-making demonstration, you could also check for the crowd's reaction to this kind of behavior.  If your engrossed nephew is looked on with smiles and giggles of delight by the strangers around him, you're probably in America.

Banjo.  Dead giveaway.

Merry Christmas, American friends!  Happy Christmas, English ones!

1 comment:

Michelle said...

"Banjo. Dead giveaway." I might die laughing. Awesome. 3 words I never knew had so much power! Awesome. Oh, did I mentiion that already?