It's that time again! More headlines for you from our beloved weekly paper. I shall begin with what is probably the greatest front-page headline of all time:
IT'S A SLOW NEWS WEEK
I had to read it a few times just to be sure. "wait, is this...? does that....? faaantastic." A thing of beauty! The rest pale in comparison, but I've come to appreciate the dedication to honesty. For example:
WEEKLY NEWS NOT QUITE SO HOT OFF THE PRESS
Yes, thanks for that. And the rest are in that typically Kenilworthian tone that I can't quite put my finger on. It has something to do with turning headlines into questions and calling people by their first names.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS 'BOMB'
REALLY TURNED OUT TO BE?
HOLY SPIRIT SERVED BY TOWN PUB
IT'S A JOB FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
WHAT A LOT OF LEGO FOR ANDREW
APARTMENT IS IN A CENTRAL LOCATION
FAMILY MEMORIES COME FLOODING BACK FOR KATHLEEN
GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS
SSSHHH! KEBAB HOUSE
THE CHAMPION POTATO GROWERS OF KENILWORTH
LEEK WOOTTON'S ANCHOR INN SENIOR CITIZEN'S MEAL
WHO IS MRS GILLET'S UNCLE?
THE PROOF THAT TOM WAS IN A 1947 PANTO [PLAY]
GREAT SCOTT, WHERE HAS IT GONE?
DESPITE THE COLD,THE SHOW DID GO ON
OLD FOLKS REVEL IN TOWN'S CARNIVAL ATMOSPHERE
FAMILY GET ON ITS BIKE FOR CARNIVAL [British grammar!]
ARE YOU IN THESE PHOTOS?
WHO IS THIS BEARDED GENTLEMAN?